Jordan Simmons - The Mean Movie Critic
I am the Mean Movie Critic and this is the page where I review movies both good and shit ... and the mega shit :).
Movies of 2011
- BATTLE L.A. ** - A loud, queasy movie which lacks a valid plot. Nothing but running, guns and lots of explosions and bad acting.
- BEASTLY * - Will please teenage girls but to others it is nothing but a cheap Beauty and the Beast knock-off.
- BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON * - The third movie in the series lacks both good acting and good humor. If your a fan of the previous two you will probably want to miss this.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 ***** - An amazing climax with powerful acting, cinematography, editing. It is also the truest movie to the books.
- I AM NUMBER FOUR ** - Despite the flashy visual effects the film just the band wagon of supernatural boys falling in love with human girls.
- INSIDIOUS ***** - Although the ending feels disjointed and fairly rushed. Insidious is undoubtedly going the be the best scary movie of 2011.
- RED RIDING HOOD * - Predictable fairytale rip-off which struggles to stand on its own two feet.
- SCRE4M *** - A fun step-up from number three but not necessary a good film but not bad either.
- THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU *** - Tries to be a big fantastic blockbuster but falls flat near the middle.
- THOR ***** - A brilliant superhero flick which features great costumes, sets, acting and visual effects. A real feast for the eyes.
- TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON * - The visual effects may be brilliant but the 3D, the acting, the complicated plot, the cinematography and Michael Bay's constant lens flare really help ruin this movie.
- VANISHING ON 7th STREET ***- Despite its creepy beginning and storyline. Vanishing soon falls in the middle when we realise we're not actually going to discover the truth behind the mystery.
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Sunday 5 June 2011
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I TRAILER LEAK RIGHT BELOW :)
Not a big fan of the movies but here you go.
http://www.buzzsugar.com/17716644#ooid=RxYmNpMjr1h40xmEHyijYuw2rR78F9FJ
http://www.buzzsugar.com/17716644#ooid=RxYmNpMjr1h40xmEHyijYuw2rR78F9FJ
Friday 20 May 2011
SUPERHERO UPDATE - THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN & THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
Thursday 19 May 2011
Best Porn Remakes?
- Frankenstein - Frankenhooker
- Night of the Living Dead - Night of the Giving Head
- Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus (Perverted Much)
- Saving Private Ryan - Shaving Private Ryan
- Edward Scissorhands - Edward Penishands (I know)
- Pulp Fiction - Pulp Friction
- Tomb Raider - Womb Raider (Nice)
- Lawrence of Arabia - Lawrence of a Labia
- The Blair Witch Project - The Bare Bitch Project
- Indiana Jones - In Diana Jones (Not sure if this is real but I loved it)
The Amazing Spider-Man Filming Update (Contains: MAJOR POSSIBLE SPOILER)
Blue Screen Set Up on the Universal Studios Hollywood Backlot |
As Whoville from The Grinch is clearly visible in the background I'm pretty sure this is Universal Studios Hollywood's Backlot |
Skyline - Don't Look Up . . . AT THE SCREEN!!!
So here we are. Skyline. Skyline Skyline Skyline. I have no idea where to begin.
Okay let's make a start at the plot of the film.
Skyline is written and directed by Colin and Greg Strause otherwise known as "The Brothers
So What's Wrong With It?
Hmm where to begin?
The Face For Leading Man Material? |
Eric Balfour is Skyline |
David Zayas (who plays Angel Batista on Showtime's Dexter) delivers probably the best performance but still comes across as boring. Donald Faison (Black Scrubs from Scrubs) attempted to bring us what he calls "serious acting" but unfortunately he should stick to comedy (not that I find Scrubs funny, sorry Scrubs fans).
The movie itself is very very dim witted. It is written as if a twelve year old wrote it for an English assignment. The script is poorly written as stuff just tends to happen and is nearly entirely set in this one apartment building.
(I know I'm not actually saying much about the movie itself just key points because this movie is seriously one of the worst movies I have ever seen!)
After the tedious apartment scenes we get to see quite a lot of running only to have our main characters sucked up into the light where we finally get to see what the aliens are doing with the humans. The aliens are extracting human brains and putting them into alien bodies. Jarrod's pregnant girlfriend helplessly watches on as her precious
Elaine: (Soft whisper + Plank Acting + Gasp) Jarrod?
New Jarrod now fights his way out of the ship with pregnant girlfriend in toe which is where the movie thankfully ends.
So What's Good About It?
Naturally the film's visual and special effects do look spot on but this is because the director's used to be special effects artists which is why they thought it be necessary to waste 95% of their budget on the visual effects.
Rating
Well after watching it with my brother we both shared the same reactions as well as sharing the same reactions as mostly every other movie fan, mostly.
What rating I give this movie? Bearing in mind that my review hardly told you anything but the criticism as there is hardly anything good about it and the plot is utter shit. So ... rating?
Out of five I give this movie . . .
1 star okay, for its visual effects.
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